I didn’t lose my friend….

Thankfully, I didn’t lose my friend. What I did realize from my little meltdown was that my feelings for him run deeper than I knew. I had actually been wondering this for awhile. I can remember the exact day (though I couldn’t tell you the actual date) that I knew I actually liked him, but recently I have been curious if my feelings have gone past just liking.

I am now painfully aware that they have.

I wouldn’t call it love. But I do feel like given the chance I could. I knew my hopes of our friendship turning into something more was getting out of control and now I know that was the case because my feelings are deeper.

How is it that the first person I really want to be with would be the one person who is “emotionally unavailable” to me?! Why does life work this way?? More importantly I guess, why does my life work this way? If anything though, I have learned that I have the potential to love someone else and be sad about someone else and all of this is good! I believe he was put in my path for a reason. If nothing else, I am able to work this all out about my new self and my new life without having to do it at the expense of someone else. He has no idea about most of this and it has been so nice to have this person that I care for that has zero expectation from me.

So, after my meltdown on Monday, which I am not proud of, I woke up Tuesday morning and dusted myself off and went on with life. I had already decided that I wasn’t going to text him, which I didn’t. My bff kept asking me if I had heard from him and I told her I was giving him until Thursday, that is our day and see what happens. Thursday comes and he still texts me the farm report. I can’t even make anybody understand how much this means to me. It has been a thing we’ve done for over a year now, and he keeps doing it even though it doesn’t matter to me anymore. We chat a little, not as much as the past couple of Thursdays. I tell my bff he text me and she wants to know if I brought it up. No. We are just friends, especially in his eyes, so as friends, we don’t have to talk everyday. I am very much aware this is my issue, not his. No reason to make a big deal out of it all. On Friday I send him a picture of my work truck problem and we talk like normal. He had mentioned about us going in together to get a discount on some hand trucks, so we work that out Friday afternoon.

Everything is fine. I overreacted for nothing. Thankfully he doesn’t know I overreacted. The last thing I would want to do is scare him away. His friendship has and does mean so much to me. More than he will ever know I am afraid. Through his friendship I have been able to discover new things about my new self and my new life. As much as it sucks sometimes, it is good to know that I am still capable of having all these emotions for someone else.

As much as I would love, and still hope, for him to open himself up to me one day, for right now I am going to keep enjoying our friendship because I might really be lost without it.

What a week the past week was!

I have been so worried about how mine and crush guys friendship would be when I wasn’t on that route anymore to where we had built in time. The past week was a lot fun and it was nice to feel like we were actually friends. Not that we weren’t actual friends to begin with, but I guess mainly to feel like everything would be fine and I wouldn’t lose my friend. His friendship has meant a lot to me during the past year. It was nice to have someone to make friends with who didn’t know me or my life and I could just be myself with. Even though he didn’t reciprocate, it was good to know I could have actual feelings for someone else and it was nice to be sad about someone else when I was unsure what would happen with our friendship. I know that sounds weird, to be happy about being sad about someone, but when you have suffered the loss that I have, you treasure feeling normal and to feel like life is going to be ok. More importantly, that you are going to be ok.

I am getting ahead of myself now…

Sunday was the day we had planned on hanging out. Sunday morning I text him about going and we work it out time wise, and its great. Much like I expected. After we got done there, we went outside to leave and stood around talking for about 30 more minutes or so. Total we were there about 4.5 hours. We text off and on during the week like normal, which isn’t a lot, on Wednesday I forgot my phone at home and later in the afternoon I get a text about how quiet it has been today. Makes me smile that he has noticed he hasn’t heard from me all day. Then Thursday comes. Thursday was our day. He still texts me the farm report, which still makes me so happy. It is amazing what something as small as that can make your whole day. As with the past Thursday, we text a lot more this day, this is our day, it was the day we were guaranteed to see each other, so it makes sense we would talk more on this day. I was having some handheld issues at my new job so I was done working super early. He was telling me about how he was running behind so I offered to come help him. He told me what all he had left to do and asked me if I wanted to come along. um… duh! So, I go meet him and we basically hang out the rest of the day. He is working, I am trying to help, but not really helping lol, but it was nice and fun actually. At one point he asked me if I was hungry, I wasn’t really but then he tells me one of my favorite places is close. When we are walking up I ask him if he knew that was one of my favorites or if that was a coincidence, he says he didn’t know, so we have lunch and a drink. Also, I don’t believe in coincidence 🙂 I met him about 11ish and finally had to leave about 4:30. Saturday my daughter has a honor band competition very close to where his route is, and as I have an hour to spare I go to where I assume he might be and he is! I hang out with him for an hour or so while he is working and this time I am actually helpful! It is all fun though and I swear we have seen each other more in this past week than we have in the past month or so!

And then….

Saturday night I stayed at my moms house to house sit, I send him a pic of some cactus my mom is growing for whatever reason, and no response. Which is not unusual. I learned long ago that he is just like that sometimes. Sunday I learn that the guy who took over my route is probably going to switch routes, so I text him about it, still no response. Again, I am not concerned by his lack of response. The weather got bad today and I sent him a text this morning telling him to be careful today.. AND once again.. no response. After a couple of hours, now I am concerned. I knew that if he was really busy today, I wouldn’t hear from him until at least he got back to his warehouse, but we are way past that time now.

How do I manage to get ghosted by someone who I considered my friend?

My soul is crushed.

Legit, my soul is crushed.

This is WAY deeper than hurt feelings.

This. This is why I don’t let people in. This is why I don’t make new friends. This is why I am comfortable in my bubble and obviously need to stay in it. I don’t deal well with hurt feelings in general, it is hard to hurt them, and it is generally only someone close to me that can, so when someone hurts them, I don’t manage well mainly because I don’t know how. So, for someone to be able to crush my soul, well, that is cutting pretty deep.

There are a million scenarios that could explain the no response. I have processed through a dozen of them. The fact remains though that I am not a chaser. I am not going to chase someone to be a part of my life, especially now. I won’t be sending him anymore texts and if this is the end of our friendship, which I hope it is not, then I will still cherish what he gave me but my soul will take a bit to recover and it may be awhile before I let someone else get that close.

It would be so sweet… if we weren’t just friends…

Last week ended up not only being my last week on my old route, it ended up being my last week with that company. That had not been the plan in the beginning, but I am definitely looking forward to a new chapter in my life. My exit from my route I think brought me and crush guy a little closer. I think I may be growing on him lol

A couple of things over the past month or so. There was one rare night when crush guy and I was talking in the evenings and I told him I was going to miss seeing him every week. He told me he was going to miss me too and how he didn’t feel like that was going to happen. I told him that would require us to make plans every week. End of the conversation. I’ve learned long ago this happens with him. A few days later we are once again talking in the evening and he asks me if there are any true-ish Irish pubs around here. Well, as true-ish as you can get in Oklahoma lol he says we need to go sometime, I tell him to let me know when he wants to and we will. At the time, I’m just like “ok, that’s not going to happen” I know how he is and I am not going to force him to hang out with me BUT on the opposite side of that, that is the first time he has ever suggested we hang out. A couple of weeks ago on Thursday, I had this guy working with me and I went outside to talk to crush guy and he was probably going to leave this in my truck but since the guy was riding with me he told me he had something for me. I had to hurry and hide the bag behind my seat so I didn’t realize until later what it was. He had some multipacks of chips that went out of date that had my favorites in them and he had taken all my favorites out of all of them and put them in one bag! I was so excited later when I realized. It is the little things in life that make me happy. The week before my last one, I saw him briefly on Tuesday and he had left a bag of chips in my truck. I told him I am going to miss finding things in my truck. It always makes me smile.

My last week was sad but not as sad with him as I anticipated. I briefly saw him on Tuesday at a different stop, but I didn’t have time to really hang around and chat. Later when I was at our Thursday stop, we were texting about how a different vendor looked like Santa Claus, and then when I left I found another bag of my favorite chips in my truck! Which was good because I was almost out. He had wrote “From Santa” on the bag 🙂

Now to Thursday. This was the day I was dreading. Our last Thursday together. This may or may not be the last time I see him for awhile! I have enjoyed having this built in time with him. He sends me what we call the farm report. He lets me know whats going on there and then I let him know whats going on where I am, so we know how fast we need to rush. Then I told him “aww that was our last farm report” It was a little sad. I was actually hoping he was already inside when I got there because I had ordered him some of his favorite chips and it was fun to leave something in his truck for once. He hangs out with me a little longer than normal and then he has to leave but tells me I will probably see him later at my last stop. When I go to leave, there is nothing left in my truck and I am a little sad. To me that was his last opportunity. But, he had left me something on Tuesday, so I accepted it. When I get to my last stop, he is there! We chat while we are working. He gets done before me and hangs around. At one point he tells me he is going to put his stuff up and will be back. He comes back and hangs out with me while I finish working. One of the girls who work in this stop even comment about him still being there and he says something to the fact of its our last day to work together. When I get done we go outside and I load all my stuff up and then we chat for quite a bit longer. Finally I have to leave and he mentions going to the pub again! Whaaaat?! Sundays work best for him so Im like ok which Sunday and he says not the coming Sunday, but the next Sunday (tomorrow by the way) to give us time to miss each other. That may be hands down the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in the past almost two years. I get in my truck and he has put yet another bag full of my favorite chips in there! I again tell him I am going to miss finding things in my truck. I later realize that these are still in date! I check the ones from Tuesday, which are also in date! Which means, he purposely opened a bunch of multipacks to create me two bags of my favorites for this week. He is independent so thats money out of his pocket. 🙂 🙂

Saturday as I am on my way back to the city, I decide to stop by a gas station I know he does on Saturday, I ran in to him a couple weeks ago there while I was getting gas, to see if he is there. He is! This is the first time I have ever stopped in somewhere to see him. He has a couple of times with me. He asked me if I was getting gas and I told him no I stopped to see if he was there. We chatted while he worked, I tried to help a little, and then when he was done we went outside and stood out there and chatted for a long time before we were both like ok we have to go. Then when we were leaving he was once again “ok so next Sunday we will go to the place?” Absolutely! That’s pretty serious for him. I need to text him in a bit and see if we are going tomorrow, but the fact that he has been persistent we are going to go gives me hope. Probably unwarranted hope, because, well, we are just friends.

Last week and the little things before last week really don’t help me keep with the friend vibe. Which I am well aware of is my issue. Until he states otherwise, I am keeping with he just sees us as “just friends” but it just seems like some of that you don’t go out of your way to do for someone who doesn’t mean more to you than that. If even just a smidge.

I know I know… wishful thinking on my part.

This past Thursday he still sends me a farm report. I was very aware all day that it was Thursday and I was a little sad and that made my whole day. I told him I had actually wondered if he still would and his response was “had to” you didn’t actually, but I was glad he did.

We will see how tomorrow goes, or if it does. I still don’t know why he is “emotionally unavailable” and even though I still could definitely see us as more, I am still fine to have this person in my life as just my friend.

Though, especially after last week, everything that has happened recently between us during the past couple weeks leading to my departure would all be super sweet, if we werent just friends…


Once a month apparently….

Well, it seems that for right now you guys are apparently getting one blog a month. How sad is it that my personal/dating/romantic life can be summed up in a once a month blog post right now? Actually, I am ok with it. I saw my therapist recently, who informed me it had been three months since I last saw her. This is good! I was really concerned about my little bubble I am currently in and currently enjoying, because I am generally an extroverted person and that is just not like me. In talking to her about this she said to me something to the fact of “that is who you used to be and not who you are now” That really resonated with me and I have since just embraced and stopped worrying about my bubble.

There is this guy, J, and he works for a different company in the same area I work. Slowly we have started talking more. We see each other every day because we have the same work schedule and start at the same store. Now when he gets to this store, he just automatically comes down my aisle to talk to me versus just saying good morning as he walks by. Thursday crush guy was actually at this stop so I was talking to him as we work on the same aisle, and I saw J come around the corner to find us talking and then he started to turn around and then decided not to. It was actually kind of cute. I wondered if crush guy noticed, but he never said anything. It was kind of awkward for me, but I left the aisle not long after that to clean something up, and then came back to talk to crush guy more before he went to the stop we generally see each other at. More on that later and now I need to back up and give some more insight in to this week with J.

J has always been friendly, not in an overly creepy way, and he generally calls me dear or something to that fact. I’ve gone back and forth between whether I thought he was flirting or if that is just how he is. I finally just went with that is just who he is. I switched jobs this week, so a couple weeks ago when I told him I would be leaving he told me on my last Saturday we needed to switch numbers so he could say hi every so often. Me, seeing an opportunity, told him why don’t we just go ahead and exchange numbers now in case something happens and we don’t get to. We don’t ever text each other. About a week goes by and we are working and he walks past me and makes this face and sticks his tongue out at me, as I have a gutter mind lol my mind went south. I told him I want to say something but I have to be professional right now because I had someone working with me. He walks away and turns around and makes the texting notion with his hands. Oh yeah! I tell him I was going to say don’t stick it out unless you are going to use it. We have a couple not serious text back and forth about it and that’s the end of that. Last week was my last week on that route. I told him Tuesday that Saturday was my last day. Later after I left that stop, he sends me a text about if I am leaving, then whose butt is he going to look at and was laughing. We have a brief midly flirty convo about this, then about an hour later he sends me another text and he starts off with “I don’t know why I am telling you this” and basically he had a sex dream about me. We also have a flirty convo about this. At this point Im like “ok, yep, we are eventually having sex” and I am pretty ok with this. The next day, Wednesday, when he gets to the first stop, he comes down the aisle like he does, and there is someone else on the aisle so we can’t really chat, but we are both looking at each other kind of like yep. It isnt awkward or anything. I actually see him at the next stop as I generally don’t. He goes out of his way to come and talk to me a couple times, he walks past my aisle and sticks his tongue out at me and I say “we have talked about this” “I know” yep, this has escalated quickly. When I got all done I was sitting in the backroom on my cart finishing my order up and he is back there also. He is about done so he comes over and gives me his hand to help me up so I can give him a hug. Yep yep. Now insert here the beginning of the blog because that is where we are now in this story. When I get to the next stop, the one crush guy and I share, thankfully he was away for this conversation, because my aisle faces the produce section. The produce guys and I always talk and the first thing out of the produce managers mouth is “I think the coke guy fancies you” first, who says fancy anymore lol and second, on the inside I am again just like yep, going to happen. Then he continues his story by telling me they were talking and he is having problems with his girl and things aren’t working out between them and blah blah blah. Wait. Hold up. WTF?! This, this is why I don’t date. You have a girlfriend?! Nope, sorry sir. I don’t have time for any of that drama in my life. Now I am agitated. Friday was a normal day and then Saturday was my last day. When I was almost done he told me I better come say goodbye before I leave so when I was done I went and found him so I could say goodbye. He gave me a big hug and it kind of sucks because we fit perfectly, but nope, you have a girlfriend….

I have lots to talk about with crush guy, but this is starting to get lengthy now, so that will have to be a different post. Looks like you will be getting more than one most this month after all!

My little bubble..

I can’t believe it has been over a month since I have blogged.

I take that back, yes I can.

I realized recently that I have gotten to comfortable in my little bubble. My introverted, wanting to do nothing outside, not talk to people (especially new people), enjoying staying in my house doing nothing, being antisocial, type of bubble. Which was weird for me to admit to myself, as well as just type it out, being the extrovert that I am. I keep telling myself I need to get out and get some me time out of the house. Early this morning while I was working I made a whole plan to go out to lunch by myself to a new Mexican restaurant I was recommended, but, yet here I sit at my kitchen table already have had lunch and typing this. That worked out real well I will say.

Not long after my last post, I deactivated site #1 and kept site #3, even though I wasn’t having much luck really on either. A couple chats here and there, a couple of matches that unmatched me when I sent a message, things like that. I did sort of start talking to a guy in an open marriage and we got along, but back to me being too comfortable in my bubble, I would be really bad at texting him. He sent me a text a couple weeks ago now while I was working, I was really busy, so I didn’t respond and then his text got pushed down past where I would see it when I opened my texts, so I forgot to respond. About a week and half later he sends me this long text about how ghosting people wasn’t nice and I had hurt his feelings and all of that since he felt like there was a small connection. All totally fair. I did respond to him and tell him I didn’t really ghost him, not on purpose anyways, and explained the above and reminded him I had already told him I was too comfortable in my bubble. Then I apologized for hurting his feelings. I truly didn’t mean to! He said thank you and that is that.

I did after that, promptly go deactivate site #3.

I have known for a long time that I am bad at dating, and with the realization about my bubble I have realized the reason I am bad at dating is because of me. I really just don’t care about it. I may have complained about this before, but I don’t know what has happened to guys since I last really dated, but they are so needy! I get tired of trying to explain my work schedule, I am sorry but if you have a regular M-F 8-5 job, then we are not hanging out during the week. No, you can’t come over and hang out with me, I have kids here who you don’t need to meet. I get busy during the work day. I don’t get paid by the hour, I work until I get done. I am sorry that it takes me awhile sometimes to respond to your text, sometimes a couple of hours, because responding to your text makes my day longer and you just aren’t that important to me yet. Sorry you are mad because you don’t understand not everyone has a desk job and can just sit on their phones. Sometimes when I get home I am exhausted and equally don’t want to make small talk. So, you get mad I don’t talk to you the couple of hours I am home and actually awake, since I go to bed around 7pm.

All of that is exhausting, and I am just tired of trying to maneuver it all. Especially since I am perfectly happy in my single status, enjoying my time in my own space and not worrying about someone else intruding on that or their neediness. Again, my little bubble.

With all of that being said, I think crush guy was right. We do have a good thing going. It is nice to talk to him when I want, I don’t have to worry if I don’t respond to his text, or I don’t talk to him at all for a couple of days. He is still there. I do feel like after we had that brief convo after our one stop said we should date, that we have become more friends. On Thursdays when we see each other, we have talked more. This past Thursday he brought me some beer to try. I am working on a business deal, he has been helping me with that. Though, I would still want something more, it is really the perfect balance of things right now. I have this extra person in my life who has a zero neediness factor. I am switching routes soon though, and it does make me a little nervous as to how our friendship will be when we don’t see each other at work. It also makes me sad to not have this built in time. I do so enjoy our relationship as it is right now.

Now, there is also my Australia friend. I do have a trip to go visit him planned for December. I am SO super excited! Things between us are still just friendly. We don’t talk everyday, but almost. Here and there in my morning, and here and there in my evening. Thanks time difference! He is basically in the same place I am, though he is deeper in to his bubble. I won’t post his business here, but hes sworn off dating and basically all he does is work. He works a LOT. He has two jobs and he just spends his time work work work. Still, it makes me smile every time I hear my facebook messenger go off at a time it is probably him, like 4am when nobody else is awake to talk to me. But, it is nice to have someone who inquires how my day is sometimes, who I can care how his day went, and just share tidbits of my life with and have them do the same and not have to worry that they want to come over and invade my space lol As soon as I pick vacation for next year, he is going to come see me. Sometimes I do wonder if there might be potential there, and then I remind myself he lives in AUSTRALIA! I have zero idea if he has thought of any of this, it is quite possible that he isn’t on the other side of the world pondering the same thing I am. But, maybe he is. I do feel like it is going to be really hard to leave there and come back home, how hard is obviously yet to be determined. They have a sport in Australia called footy. I have become quite intrigued by it. Like, paying so I can watch it on an app (only way I can) and partially watching a finals game while working yesterday. I tell you this so I can also say as much as I’m saying all of this friend stuff with him, I am currently sitting here typing this out wearing my Carlton Blues t-shirt, who is the team he roots for. It is my new favorite shirt as it is super comfy.

All of that said, I am not actively trying to date at the moment, always subject to change lol, if I happen to meet someone in person, great, if not, great also. I am perfectly happy in my single state with these two men who I can enjoy in my life, and not have to worry about it being anything more. It really works out well as I am enjoying living in my bubble.

Still weird for my extroverted self to say 🙂

Back to famine….

Not a whole lot has been going on lately. Which is ok.

I went and hung out with my old coworker a couple Saturdays ago, it was fun to catch up with him! Nothing happened, he is kind of seeing someone, and we just really aren’t that way. I would have had sex with him though had it presented itself! I still have needs haha

I was on vacation last week and I didn’t have time to deal with dating apps or such anyways. I’ve kind of pressed pause on site #1. Its still active, I just haven’t been logging in to it. I have been pretty regularly on site #3, but getting no where. I started talking to a guy on there that actually lives in a city a couple hours away. We got along great! We even talked about meeting and hanging out this past weekend and then the next morning I logged in and he had unmatched me. Well, alrighty then…

There is a stop that crush guy and I share, and the week before I went on vacation, the owner had a conversation with me about how crush guy and I should date. I told crush guy and his response was basically that him and I have a good thing going right now and he doesn’t want to ruin that. Which is probably the realist thing he has ever said about us. Then he sent me another text saying as if I was even thinking he was right. I told him that he already knows I would be interested and that I also enjoy our friendship, and I don’t make friends, so I am equally ok with us just being that. I brought him some beer back from my vacation and I was so excited to leave something in his truck for once, so I drive out to where I know he will be, and he is outside!! Dang it. Its ok though, we talked for a bit and that was it. It was still good to get to see him.

Now, I have this old friend who I have known for 20+ years. He lives in Australia. I met him in a chat room way back when aol and all of that stuff was all the rage. It seems weird to tell people that now, but back then it was a thing. We have never met and we go through spurts where we don’t have any communication really. Sometimes, a couple years. He messages me on facebook Saturday night because he had someone friend him who their only friend was me, which I wasn’t friends with. It was a hacker, but then I was like “hey! while I have your attention, how have you been?” we start chatting back and forth a bit and exchange numbers, then I tell him its just cheaper to chat through facebook and next thing I know he is calling me. It has been MANY years since we have talked on the phone, but we chatted for FIVE hours. FIVE! Some of it wasn’t even about anything, just bullshit. It was great. He is always talking about coming to visit, and so looks like he might next summer. I have another vacation coming up soon and I am looking in to maybe going to see him then. Nothing romantic, just go visit my friend. I was on the phone with him until 1:30 am my time and basically went to bed on the phone. I had to tell him I was going to fall asleep very soon so we hung up. I woke up to a message about how great it was to chat, then I sent him the same. Then waited for him to wake up. Damn time difference! I’m now not sure what to do, I know its all friendly and back to he lives in AUSTRALIA, but I couldn’t help wondering. I basically waited for him to message me, which he eventually did. I was up late because I didn’t feel good yesterday and slept most of the day. I woke this morning to a message from him, I sent him one and then fell back asleep, but woke up to another one from him. Now I am impatiently waiting for him to wake up and respond. This is dumb lol I know it is dumb, realistically nothing is ever going to come from this, but it was nice to laugh so much when we were talking and it was nice to fall asleep to the sound of someones voice.

This week so far….

There has still been no communication from T. That’s a bummer. I really thought we had a good time. But, since I had gotten that feeling when there wasn’t much communication on Sunday and Monday, I decided I wasn’t going to text him to see what happens. Nothing happened, just like I was afraid. He hasn’t unmatched me yet though on site #1, but if he hasn’t text me or unmatched me by this weekend, I am going to unmatch him. See ya!

I started back up on site #3 this week. So far, its been bleak, but I will keep it going for a bit and see.

Crush guy stopped by my stop on Tuesday to see me. I will continue to talk about him here, but I have accepted our friend status, mostly lol it just sucks with him because I know its there, its just whatever his shit is that’s the problem. When he came around the corner I asked him what he was doing here and he said he was just stopping by to say Hi because he only had one stop left. We talked a couple minutes and then he asked me about someone we know in common. This person is like my dad and I recently discovered that he also knows him. Well, his daughter passed away last weekend and I had text crush guy about it. I feel like that may have been the actual reason he stopped to talk to me was about that situation. Today is Thursday and we had to wait a bit to get checked in, so we talked the whole time. It is just so easy to talk to him! When I got in my truck to leave, he had left stuff in my truck! It always makes me smile. It wasn’t what he normally leaves me. It had a note written on it that said “I don’t know if you like these, but its free” he had to know the whole time we were together he was going to leave them and he could of asked, but instead he chose to leave them in my truck. I know its just him being friendly, but it would be a romantic gesture otherwise. I just have to remind myself that there isn’t anything meant by it. Like I said, I have mostly accepted our friend status, but I am also not saying if he ever changes his mind I wont still want a chance.

This weekend I am suppose to hang out with an old friend I used to work with, who is also newly single. I have always had a crush on him. Its technically just “hanging out” but there could be some potential there for some fun, if you know what I mean, and I would definitely NOT turn that down. Even if not, it will be a good evening and I am looking forward to spending two Saturday nights in a row not at home!

My Saturday date

As much as I enjoy blogging from my bed watching tv, I am also enjoying doing it this way…

I finished making my patio functioning this morning and I am going to admit I have been out here all morning ever since. I smell like bug spray and dirt I am sure, but I couldn’t be happier. Plus, it isn’t as hot as it has been and there is a breeze!

Now, my Saturday date!

Oh man. So much fun. We decided to go somewhere downtown, which is sort of a middle between us, we met in a parking lot and walked over to the restaurant we had decided on. He wouldn’t let me walk next to the street, he would make me switch him if I was. That is something my late husband would do also, and so very sweet. As we talked on the way to the restaurant, which was a longer walk than I had anticipated in the heat, I knew this was going to go ok at least. We end up at the restaurant talking and drinking beer for over three hours! There was no baseball watching though, which I’m ok with. Time went by so fast. We are getting along great. We decide to go walking around downtown after we are done there. It was fun just to hang out with someone. We end up walking around downtown for a couple of hours, there may have been some making out in there somewhere 🙂 it was such a fun night and really exactly what I needed. By the time we get back to the cars its basically been five hours later. We were trying to decide what to do next, and we both agreed we didn’t really want the night to end, but we had both been up for awhile. I had been awake since 2am! We said goodnight and agreed to let each other know we made it home ok. I really really enjoyed myself, as he said he did as well.

And now, we haven’t had much communication since /sigh not that I expected this full fledged affair to start happening, but I am not going to lie, I did expect a little more. Now I guess it’s back to the drawing board.

Dating is dumb 🙂

What a week!

This has been an interesting week!

I decided I needed to finally meet in person the needy boy from a couple posts back. Truthfully, I didn’t really want to, but I knew that was the only way I was going to get rid of him. We decide on lunch on Monday, I chose beer and tacos. At least I am going to enjoy lunch lol he wants me to come over for an hour or so before hand, uhhh no! which isn’t the first time he has tried to get me to come over. I told him I would rather meet in a public place first, what if I don’t like you or you don’t like me in person and now I am at your house and we still have to go to lunch. We go to lunch, and actually he is a nice guy and I enjoyed talking with him, but it didn’t take long before he had his hand rubbing my back or had his hand on my leg. Dude… wtf… Like I already knew, he is WAY more in to me than I am to him. When we are about to leave, he once again tries to get me to come over for a bit, to which I tell him I really have things to do. Isn’t a total lie. When we go to leave he puts his hand out like for me to hold his hand. I ignore it and keep walking lol I am not holding your hand! Even if this had gone well. He walks me to my car and of course wants to kiss me. I tell him just a small one and he gets one peck. I am not sure how out of any of this lunch date he gets the impression I am in to him, but he is sold on me! I have to let him down gently later. I did almost think he was going to be more argumentative over it, and he was for a second, but I was stern with the “we are just friends” A couple days later I am telling a friend from work about this date, he has already heard stories about this guy, and he tells me “thank you for telling me this. I feel better about myself now” haha I was serious about the friend part, I mean we are still in a kik group together. Though I do wonder if I have heard the end of him personally.

I started talking to T this week. We had messaged briefly back and forth a couple of times over a couple of days on site #1, not really getting anywhere. I send him a message during the day on Monday, because I am off, he sends me a message that evening basically saying he doesn’t log in to that during the day and gives me his phone number to text him. I don’t get the message until Tuesday night, so I text him Wednesday morning. This guy has potential. We text WAY past my bedtime Wednesday night. We are hanging out tomorrow to watch baseball and have beers. I mean, come on! Baseball and beer?! He likes both?! He is very nice. Last night he sends me a text asking me if I have 5-10 minutes to talk. What?! He wants to call me?? So, he calls me and he tells me that hes heading to a work dinner and knows I will be in bed before he gets done, he wanted to call me while he was driving so he could talk to me before I went to bed without texting and driving. Whaaaaat?! How sweet is that! Nobody ever understands my sleep schedule. Needless to say, I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Yesterday was Thursday and by now you guys know what that means. I see crush guy. I already have the tomorrow plans in place. We talk and chat like normally. It just is so easy with him. I bought tickets to see a comedian in November and I bought an extra ticket in hopes of finding someone to go with me by then. Some how, comedians come up. I ask him if he likes this one, he does, so I joke about having an extra ticket to see him. Then, I am like, no for real I do have an extra one and explain hoping to find someone. He doesn’t say yes to going, but he also doesn’t say no. Now, I 100% don’t expect him to say yes. I knew he probably wouldn’t based on the time, day and place of said event. He did seem interested though. I wont bring it up again. I’m so confident that he wouldn’t go that I didn’t include the information that my daughter and son-in-law are also going. That could be a deal breaker possibly. I had sent him a pic the other night of my little plant, he likes to garden and I…well… I kill things. He proceeds to tell me what I need to do and what I need to buy and I am just looking at him. Finally I say “I have zero idea what you are saying to me right now. You might as well be talking to me in German” he speaks German lol he laughs at me, and tells me he just needs to go buy the stuff for me. As always, I am a smiling fool after he leaves.


I have a long drive for work in the morning and I decide that I am not going to text crush guy. Even if nothing transpires between me and T, I can use that as a distraction enough to move on from crush guy. Of course, every time I decide this, he text me! Nothing serious, but he rarely text me first. I am afraid, as I have always been, that once I move on and potentially find someone else, he is going to decide he wants to take a chance finally. For right now, I am going to stick with the no texting first and tomorrow I am going to enjoy the hell out of my baseball and beer date because that sounds like the best date ever!

Why you should actually read dating app profiles!

So, being back on my dating app has proven to be humorous. Sometimes I am convinced that guys just see a pretty face and don’t actually read anything. The way your profile works on site #1 is that you choose things that show up at the top of your profile. I ALWAYS read through this first. It’s things like does/doesn’t smoke, does/doesn’t drink, does/doesn’t have kids and if you want them or more, religion stuff. Things like that. If someone’s says they are christian and its important (because you can choose how serious you are about it) I am probably moving on. I am explaining all of this because mine obviously says I have kids. In my personal description that I write myself, I always start off with I am widowed, since this site doesn’t have a relationship option for that. There is some debate about whether or not to tell people you are widowed when dating in a support group I am apart of, but I feel the need to be up front about that. It is who I am and with that comes extra things not everyone is going to want to deal with. Understandable. Better to know from the get go is how I feel. On site #1 you can send someone a message, but they don’t see it until they come across your profile and then you have to also like them to respond. I am going through potentials when I come across someone who sent me a message. He sent a real message! It was kind of nice. I check out his pics, hes ok. I read through his profile, ok he seems nice. Now, you can answer questions about yourself and if others have answered the same questions, then you can also see a percentage of compatibility based on this. Ours is like 95%! That rarely happens. Now normally I read through the questions we don’t agree on first. I feel like what we don’t agree on is more important than what we do. This time I don’t because we had an impressive number of the same questions answered we agree on. Ok, I’m thinking I am going to swipe right and give this guy a chance. THEN I read through what we disagree on. Basically, he doesn’t have kids and he is totally against kids and/or dating single moms. Which, is totally fine, to each their own, but don’t message someone who has kids and says she is widowed which basically also means she is a single mom if you are totally and unwavering against that! In my typical fashion, I swipe right just so I can send him a message lol short version is I basically told him those same things. If you are totally against kids, then why message someone with them? There was more too it than that obviously, I was pleasant about it, I wish I had screen shot it lol needless to say, he didn’t respond and unmatched me haha I mean, seriously dude!

I know I have said it and I will continue to say it, but dating and especially online dating is so dumb.