Every time I sit down to write a post, I just get overwhelmed with tiredness. I have been working 50+ hours for weeks now and 54-55 the past three weeks. To say I’m exhausted is an understatement.
It is hard now to put things in to words.
(also, I started this blog three days ago lol)
We left off with me hanging out with crush guy on Sunday. Which we did, and it was so much fun! We talked non stop for almost FIVE hours! FIVE! The only downside to it was I found out exactly how much older than me he is. I’ve always knew he was older than me, which I was perfectly fine with, but I thought like 10 years or so. No, he is 16 years older than me. Hmmm? I went back and forth about how I felt about it, mostly it was my own demons causing the problems. I had a conversation with my bff about it, which her fiance is 14 years older than her, and she helped me realize that it doesn’t matter. Like I said, I already knew he was older, and once I got past the demons, it doesn’t change anything in reality. Either way, we both admitted we had a good time. I smiled all the way home.
My problem now is, how do I get it past friends? Fast forward a week later on a Sunday, there may have been some alcohol involved lol, but I sent him a text and basically made sure he knew that I did actually like him. To which he said he has gotten that impression. I told him I didn’t expect anything out of the confession other than to put it out there and that was the end of the conversation. Then I have a moment of panic. WHAT DID I JUST DO?! These things rarely work out well for me and I am in full panic mode at this point. I am going to have to rearrange my route the following week on Thursday so I don’t run in to him, at least for one week to get past the awkwardness. Tuesday when I go back to work I decide against all that. Be an adult and put your big girl panties on and deal with the aftermath on Thursday. I had already made that decision when he shows up at the stop we see each at that day, but on Tuesday, to check on his rack. Big relief, its not awkward! We discuss whether we would see each other at my last stop, we do occasionally, and decided we wouldn’t. Now he has to drive back by this stop later to get to that stop, so if he was afraid it was going to be awkward he could have not stopped when I was there. My two stops between that one and my last one took longer than normal so I figured I had missed him, but no! He was there when I got there. We got to chat for 20 minutes while we waited to be checked in, and he takes way less time than me and when he got done he went to leave and told me he would come back and chat with me. I couldn’t stop smiling! I had to keep telling myself to stop before he came back in and saw me. He stayed about 20 minutes or so talking to me as I was working. All smiles afterwards.
That was almost two weeks ago. There is enough there to make me believe he is interested, but I also know not to assume he is. So, I am not. I am happy to just be friends, though I am not giving up hope to one day explore more than that. It is nice to have someone make me smile real smiles, even if he isn’t trying too. Just typing this out makes me smile.
I try to not be the crazy girl and text him every time I think about something I want to tell him. Again, I go back and forth between where the line is between us being friends and me becoming the crazy girl he wishes would stop sending him texts. Every time I start to just accept that we are just always going to be friends and nothing more, then things like yesterday happen. We had severe weather around, and I had already told myself I wasn’t going to text him that day, I had told myself that about Friday also and then ended up asking him something about a stop we share, but I was going to stick with it, then he text me about the weather where he was. I responded about where I was. Then I debated on it and decided fuck it and told him to be careful! He told me the same. We talked a couple times off and on through the day.
Regardless if him and I ever explore things more than being friends, it’s nice to have someone make me smile. Sometimes I wonder how he would feel if he knew how much some of the little things make me smile, or how much he makes me smile in general, like a stupid school girl, maybe one day I will tell him, but for now, I will just enjoy actually smiling.